top of page
Search

Biblical Marriage: Should Christians be Complementarian or Egalitarian?

Lindsay Esterline
couple smiling and embracing on the beach

There are two basic views of biblical marriage: complementarian and egalitarian. According to Google:

Complementarianism is a theological view that holds that men and women have different but complementary roles in life. Some complementarian beliefs include: 

  • God established a gender hierarchy

  • Men have authority over women

  • Only men should lead the church 

  • Women should submit to their husbands 

Egalitarianism is the opposite of the complementarian belief. It emphasizes equality across gender, religion, economic status, and political beliefs. Some egalitarian beliefs include: 

  • Men and women are equal partners in marriage and the church

  • Roles should be based on skill set, not gender

  • There are no biblical gender-based restrictions on church leadership 

  • Women and men are interchangeable in leadership and household roles 


The big question is, “Who is right?” Both beliefs seem to have scriptural evidence for their views on biblical marriage.


So, has God really given authority to husbands?

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. 

Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. 

–Philippians 2:3 NLT


I believe the answer is no. Did God predict the hierarchy that would result from sin entering the marriage relationship? - Yes. Did Paul, who is most often cited, give culturally responsive advice in the context of the established patriarchy? - Yes. I intend to address some of the most commonly cited verses, but first a little modern church history.


If you have been a Christian long enough you will run across the picture to the right. The umbrella

Complementarian hierarchy umbrella illustration

illustration of marriage is attributed to Bill Gothard, who taught at the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP). The illustration depicts God's "divine order" for authority in the family, with Christ at the top, followed by the husband, and then the wife. It has been circulating since the 1970s. 


Maybe you have heard of Gothard via the Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets, a 2023 Amazon documentary. I feel this documentary revealed that we should not be taking biblical or family advice from this source. It didn’t work out well for the Duggars. I am making this point so that you can consider the contemporary source of modern complementarianism.


A surface reading of verses has led to the perpetuation of an unbiblical understanding of the marriage relationship. If you are unfamiliar, here is a quick rundown:

  • Women should have no authority over a man (1 Timothy 2:12).

  • Husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23).

  • Women should be quiet in church (1 Corinthians 14:34).

  • Eve is a “helper” (Genesis 2:18).


What does the Bible say about the relationship between men and women?

Genesis

Let’s start at the beginning, and by that I mean Genesis. One of the often cited verses for the hierarchy in marriage is Genesis 2:18: 

Rebuke of Adam and Eve painting

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him” (NLT).


What did Adam need “help” with in a perfect world? Why was it not good for him to be alone? I believe the answer begins in Genesis 1:27. We are made in the image of God, “male and female.” Being created in the image of God includes moral, spiritual, and intellectual nature, but it also includes his relational nature. He created us for relationship – with himself and with each other. 


In Genesis 2:19-20 God has Adam named all the animals, and in so doing he realizes his lack of “comparable” or “suitable” companionship. In Genesis 1:28 God gave “them” dominion, or authority, over what he created. God did not include Eve in this directive so that Adam had dominion over her. He spoke to both of them, and gave them both authority over the earth.


So, what does “helper” mean in Genesis 2:18? The original Hebrew word is ʿēzer. This same word is used in the Bible in 20 other verses, and in nearly all of them it is in reference to God! God described the companion that he would make for Adam using the same word that would be used to describe himself! For example:


Our help is in the name of the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

 Psalm 124:8 NKJV


In our modern, English understanding of the word “helper” it is easy to see how this error in understanding the relationship of husband and wife could occur. We think of a helper as someone who is less skilled and in need of direction. But, would you ever describe God in that way? This is not the help that God is offering his people. He is offering them guidance and strength. He is offering them protection and power to do things they cannot do for themselves (see See Deuteronomy 33:29 and Psalm 70:5)!


 I am not advocating that women are on par with God, or superior to men. But, it should give you a new appreciation for what the word “helper” means in this context. Women are not intended to be less-than and in need of direction, or authority. They are meant to be “suitable” and “comparable” companions, equal companions, in co-authority over creation.


...You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.

— Genesis 3:16b NET

This is God’s description, not a prescription, for post-fall marriage. In other words, God was describing what sin will do to the marriage relationship NOT setting his expectations. God had set his expectations in the Garden of Eden. He chose to represent the “oneness” of the marriage relationship by creating Eve from Adam’s rib - not of his head or his feet, but his side. 


Paul’s Writings

Paul wrote so much of the New Testament as we know it today. But, have you ever finished reading a passage of his writing and thought, “wait…what?” You are in good company! Peter, a simple fisherman, would agree that Paul, a well educated Pharisee, was difficult to understand!


…His [Paul’s] letters contain some things that are hard to understand, which ignorant and unstable [weak] people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.

–2 Peter 3:16 NIV


Peter also warns us that Paul’s writings would be distorted, or twisted, by people. I believe that a careful examination of Paul’s writings will reveal that he was, in fact, aiming to turn the patriarchy on its head! 


“Women should be silent in church” (1 Corinthians 14:34).

One of the often distorted texts in the debate on biblical marriage is 1 Corinthians 14:34-35. 

Woman with finger over mouth signaling quiet

“ Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in

submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.”


These verses appear to be straightforward in their language. But, there are several layers of context that need to be examined before a reasonable conclusion can be drawn. 


First, 1 Corinthians 14 is a chapter that follows chapter 12 on spiritual gifts, and chapter 13 where Paul expounds on the gift of love. If you track Paul across these three chapters you will see that he is not only advocating for the use of spiritual gifts, he is explaining the proper and orderly use of the gifts. So, chapter 14 picks up where chapter 12 left off in explaining how worship services should be conducted for the edification of the congregation (see 1 Corinthians 14:22-25). The context of the verses in question are not about marriage, but about the way services in Corinth were being conducted.


The next bit of context that is needed is cultural and historical. Worship services were segregated. Men worshiped on one side of the room and women on the other with a curtain between to block the view. This was common practice all the way up to the Protestant Reformation in Christian churches, and is still practiced in many synagogues. 


Based on the counsel that Paul is giving to the Corinth church, a picture of chaos is being painted. Apparently, speaking in tongues was highly valued and there was no order to who was speaking and no interpretations given. Then, you have the separation of husbands and wives prompting couples to communicate about the service across the room and through the curtain! 


Paul was simply offering a solution to the problem of too many people speaking at once during the worship service. He sums it up in verse 40, “But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.”


There is one more contextual observation to consider – Paul’s writings as a whole. For example, in 1 Corinthians 11:5 Paul mentions women praying and prophesying. Praying and prophesying implies that women are speaking in church. Praying could be done silently, but prophesying cannot. Paul’s only objection to women speaking in church here in chapter 11 is that he would like them to follow the “tradition” (verse 2) of having a head covering. My point here is that Paul seems to be contradicting himself within the same letter!  [Note: I understand that chapter 11 is another problematic passage for the egalitarian point of view. For the sake of time, I will not address this passage in detail. But, I will throw out that there is some wordplay going on here.] 


If we understand that these passages are not about marriage, or the relationship of men and women, then there is no contradiction. It is clear to me that Paul is advocating for those who are in the congregation to be quiet so that all can be edified by the praying and prophesying of those who have been designated to speak, man or woman. 


“Women should have no authority over a man” (1 Timothy 2:12).

1 Timothy was written by Paul to a fellow minister to counsel him on the various issues in the Ephesus church. If we begin with cultural context, starting in chapter 1 we see that Paul is concerned about false teachings going around in Ephesus. Could this issue be related to Paul’s instruction in chapter 2?


I believe so. Artemis, also known as Diana or Cybele, was the patron deity of Ephesus. This “mother goddess” was not secondary to a male god as in Greek and Roman mythology. Artemis

was worshiped through violent rituals against men. Women in the cult of Artemis faced social pressure to remain loyal to the goddess, and the consequence for unfaithfulness was believed to be death in childbirth.


This cultural context, and a little digging into the original language yields an interpretation of this passage of scripture that makes more sense in the context of all of Paul’s writings. For example, how can the same man that wrote 1 Timothy 2 be the same man that wrote this in Galatians 3?


There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, 

there is neither male nor female – for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

— Galatians 3:28 NET


Again, these verses in 1 Timothy 2 are not about the relationship between husbands and wives, or males and females as a whole. It is about the false dynamic of superiority that was taking place in Ephesus. One's gender does not make anyone inherently superior to another. Women are not given blanket authority over men by virtue of their ability to give birth, just as men are not given blanket authority over women by virtue of Adam being created first. Paul is using verses 13 and 14 to even the playing field where women are seen as superior, not to assert dominance. [Note: verse 15 is Paul giving women hope. He is saying that disavowing Artemis will not lead to death in childbirth as they believed it would.]


If we take a look at the original language of the text in question, we find further clarity. Verse 11 says, “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.” The word “woman” could be interpreted as “wife.” And the word “quietness” doesn’t always mean silence. The primary definition of this quietness is basically a person who minds their own business. 


In verse 12, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet,” we find other translation issues. Again, “woman” could be translated as “wife.” “Man” could also be translated as “husband.” But, most notably the word “authority” that is used here would have been understood to be “absolute master” or “exercising dominion over.” This makes sense in the context of the situation in Ephesus and in the context of what we saw in Genesis. No gender was given “dominion” over another. 


So, whether you put these verses in the context of husband and wife, or male and female, the point Paul is trying to make is that Christianity is counterculture! The culture of Ephesus would have women “exercising dominion over” men. I believe that if Paul were to write our church a letter today he would flip the script and tell us that men should not assume “dominion” over women! After all, Paul also wrote, 

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

–Ephesians 5:21 NIV


“Husband is the head of the wife” (Ephesians 5:23).

Again, we need to read around the verse in question to gather context. 


...and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. ...because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

— Ephesians 5:21, 23-25, 28, 31 NET


Pastor CJ Cousins explains these verses this way, "The context is the loving oneness and mutual submission, like the Godhead, that the Gospel restores us to. Paul then applies it to marriage, in a way that seems like it’s mirroring the dysfunctional male headship model of the world, as a result of sin, but if you look closely, he’s flipping this broken paradigm on its head! He calls for wives to submit to their husbands as “the head”, but then he quickly redefines the world’s understanding of male/husband headship as self-sacrificing love.”


An article by CBE International defines the linguistics, “So Paul told all believers they should be submitting to each other (Ephesians 5:21). The Greek word for submitting used here, hypotassomenoi, is a participle in the masculine plural, which means it applies to either a group of men or a group of men and women. It cannot be used to refer to only women. It is also in the middle voice, a grammatical construct that English does not have. Used this way, it does not mean “obey,” but is more like “cooperating together,” or “being considerate and supportive of each other,” as in Philippians 2:3–4.4 In Ephesians 5:22, Paul did not use a verb, but said “wives to [their] own husbands” as an example of what the submitting in verse 21 should look like. This cooperating together in an unselfish manner (including, but not limited to, decision-making) is called “mutual submission.” 


The CBE International article goes on to share the cultural context of the headship metaphor, “Paul then noted that husbands are “the head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Savior” (Eph. 5:23). There are two things going on here. First, head and body were commonly used together in the first century Greco-Roman world as a metaphor for unity. Since Paul talks about unity repeatedly throughout Ephesians, it is fair to consider he is using this metaphor here. Second, though “head” in English figuratively means authority or leader, the Greek word for head, kephale, did not. Rather, kephale had a common figurative meaning of source of life. Paul indicates he’s thinking along these lines when he writes that Christ is the head of the Church, his body, of which he is the Savior (verse 23). A Savior is not exercising authority. A Savior saves, extending life to those in danger of losing it.”


The mentioned repeated theme of unity in the book of Ephesians qualifies the verses in question. What does unity look like? How can the body of Christ be unified if husbands and wives are not unified in their relationships? So, I ask you, “Can there be genuine unity in a relationship where one is dominant?” 


Finding Clarity on Biblical Marriage

Peter said that Paul’s writing could be difficult to understand. So what does Peter have to say on the matter?

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together ...but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”

— 1 Peter 3:7 NLT


Couple holds hands in foreground, and a tree in the background

Peter’s words are clear…”she is your equal partner.” We have seen that God intended an egalitarian view of marriage in Genesis. We saw that sin marred this beautiful relationship he created between men and women. God told Adam and Eve the consequences of their choice to disobey would result in an imbalance in the relationship–an introduction of selfishness. 


Peter is pointing us to the restoration of our world (Revelation 21-22), and therefore our relationships being restored to God’s intention. We were created in God’s image–the image of the Godhead. The Godhead is three beings who have enjoyed eternal “oneness” through loving mutual submission to each other. We do not need to wait for the New Earth to live “in God’s gift of new life.”


13 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


Contact Us

Thanks for submitting!

The views expressed in Bible How-To (BHT) podcast may not be those of the host or the management.

The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. 

The third party materials or content of any third party site referenced in this Podcast do not necessarily reflect the opinions, standards or policies of BHT. BHT assumes no responsibility or liability for the accuracy or completeness of the content contained in third party materials or on third party sites referenced in this Podcast.

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • YouTube
  • TikTok

© 2023 by Bible How To. Powered and secured by Wix

bottom of page